Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
