I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize