my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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