also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize