this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
