i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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