That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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