So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
