he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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