i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The convent might be a nice break from real life
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
