Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
