Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
