I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize