I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
