Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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