On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
