Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
