if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
