I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
