I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
