so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
