im six kinds of drunk right now
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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