I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
