if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
