I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
