I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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