I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
