no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
