Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
