those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
