Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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