the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
