my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
