I think I died a long time ago.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
