Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
