So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
