I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
