So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
