She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
