I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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