Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
