Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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