I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
