When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
