remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize