im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
