All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
