My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
