Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize