i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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