Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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