Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
