Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
