i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
jump out the window naked night went bad
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
