i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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