I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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