I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
