there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
