I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
